.C3A1 






» f 

\ ^21 THE 

C-tH^*- 

A.CTOR OF £LL WORK 

OR, 
THE FIRST AND SECOND FLOOR. 

A FARCE. 



IN ONE ACT. 




With the Comic Song of 

The Picture of A London TLAr-JiousE^ 

as introduced by 



MR. MATHEWS, 



AT THE 



XElf-YORK THEATRE. 



NEW-YORK: 

PUBLISHED BY E. WE. MURDEN, 

Circulating Library and Dramatic Repository^ 

KO. 4 CHAMBER-STREET. 

1822. 



- - ~- f 






m 





DRAMATIS FEBSONJEi 



Multiple, a Strolling Actor, Mr. Mathews, 
Mathe w St ufiy, a Prompter, Ma the ws, 

French Tragedian, Mathews, 

Robin Scrawkr, J a ^humbri- > ^ r 

J ' } fl/i Apprentice, \ JiATtIEl ^> 

!a Scotch i 
PawnbroA Mathews, 
ken ) 

Mrs. M'Sillergrip, wife to Andrew, Mathews, 
Dmnken Coachman^ Mathews. 



3 




% 



THE 

ACTOR OF ALL WORK, 



Enter Multiple, in front of the drop curtain, 
reading a Utter. 

Mul. <l Dear Sir, — it will be impossible for me 
to comply with your request for an engagement 
at my Theatre, as I have doubts whether yoij 
possess sufficient versatility of genius to be use- 
ful in my corps. 

" Yours, to command, 

" Timothy VelenspeckP 

Very pretty, upon my word ; so here I'm re- 
fus'd an engagement — rejected— and scorned ;— 
tieated with contempt, on 'he score of usefulness, 
too, and by whom ? — by the manager of a paltry 
country play house, uot much bigger than a pig- 
stye.— I that have been received with applause 
in theatres royal — play'd the hero in the trage- 
dy — low comedy in the farce — sung between the 
acts, and dauc'd a hornpipe between the pieces. 
Me to be refused an engagement ! Confusion !— 
Death to my hopes 1 " Down, busy devil, 
down ! v Thou, " King of shreds and patches," 
I'll have reveuse. I have it ! I'll be even with 
)rim, however. I'll go to him in different cha- 

a3 



6 ACTOR Gtf ALL WOKE!. 

racters. He'll not know me under the varioES? 
disguises I'll assume. I have a tolerable ward- 
robe, and a friend, who lives next door to him, 
will allow me to make u&a of his home (which 
is so situated ihni 1 can easily slip from it into 
the manager's room) for that purpose. I will thus 
force an engagement, and then lairgffc at him. — - 
What, ho?. Alexander f — Alexander, I say I 

Enter Alexander, (a. little boy,) with a bundle 

of clothes. 

J lex. Here. T am, si*. 

Mul. Now, Alexander, Emperor of the Greeks 
and Romans, attend to me. Alexander, my boy, 
(laying his hand on his hmd) you are now too 
bi«r to act Cora's child, and therefore J have made 
you my man-servant. But Alexander, my hero, 
depend upon it, that when I get an engagement 
for myself, 1 will look after one for yeu<, 

Alex. Thank you, sir. 

Mul. You shali play the parts of Cupids,. Sliani- 
pausas, and Imps. 

J lex. Thank you, sir. 

Mul. " Give me the man that is not passionV 
slave, and I will wear him in \v,y heart of hearts z 
yea, in my heart's core, Horatio!" Shall I, 
who keep a man -servant, be refused an engage- 
ment by a •. Go, Alexander, bundle off 

with my bundle to my friend Gypsum, next door 
to Velenspeck'a ; — run— vanish — go I 

Alex. I am gone, sir ; J Oy. [ExiL 

Mul. Now for imposing on Manager Vel. — 
Ci Limbs do your office, and support me well; 
be;u me to hint, then fail me if you can." But 
should I fail? J'il try, however. Oh ! thut, 
fire no pleasures like Mmse pf a play house ; and 
(here's no living triltiiu oif v; U'beut one., [sings* 



ACTOK OF ALL WORK. 

ISoXGi—Piclure of a Play-house.] 

Of a playhouse, in a playhouse, a plavhonse I sing 
'lis my subject, my pride, and my )ud»e ; 

For -bavin* exhausted each theme you can bring, 
ISow to laugh at ourselves we don't grudge. 



b ,uu 6« 



Well suppose you arriv'd at the box or pit entry, 

Ten hands are thrust into your coach ; 
After the jostle's so great between the police and s-v 

THTfj 

'Tis a cestpry before you approach, 

[ c poken, in different voices.] Choice fruit or a bif! 
of the play.— Buy a bill of a poor b-, v , sir, fr ou 'u 
\\ant one when you get ioto the bouse.— Where a*e 
you squeezing to ?— Take care of this 1 itfy, will you > 
— Lm sure I can't help it, while they keep crowding 
behind.— Bless me, sir, how sharp your elbows are •— 
Excuse me, ma'am, but it's you're so very fat that's 
the reason.— Box tickets for six shillings ; taketwo in 
the pit, and save a shilling.— ]. say, you Bill, where 
have you got to ?— Oh ! I'm under this here fat gentle- 
man's legs, papa.— Gal le.y tickets foreMij.cn p-nce* 
if you have more tickets than you want, sir, I'll buy 
them of you.— Sare, you will hav de goodness to in- 
fo.ui me ii dis is Drury Lane, or de Garden Common 

— This is Covent Garden, sir, Drury Lane is moved 
into Bridges-street : Drury Lane u>ed 10 be in the 
Strand.— I remember Drury Lane in the Haymarket 
— Ha, ha! there's a bull !— A bull ! bless me, where * 

— What a shame to let those mad creatures run about 
the street.— Come, come along, Alary : where are you ? 
—I've lost my shoes! — Shoo, shoo! never mind that ■ 
push on, there's plenty of room— Where >— In my 
pockets, for you've got both your hands there.— How 
dreadful hot it is!— Hack, back there ! the pit's full 
—Ah! that's always the case at this house : they fill 
the pit before the doors are opened.— Well then 
where are you driving to ? — Oh, 

I'm going to the play, 
Where, with spirits so gay, 
Wit, iwnsic, and harmony mingle* 



i ACTOR OF ALL WORK. 

Ire the boxes arc fiU'd. in the lobbies you meet, 
U here e'en ladies themselves bear the brunt? 

\ nd squeezing thro' numbers, to Ret a good seat, 
Aro crowded all round to the front. 

The pit parties ramble all over the place, 
Till they're seated at ease, great and small, 

While the gallery guests fill the benches apace, 
And with discord for harmony bawl. 

[Spoken.] Halloo! you catgut scrapers ! strike up,, 
there, v. ill you ? — Rule Britannia ! — Moll in the Wad! 
— Down, down ! — Hats olF ! — Silence ! — Down in 
front! — That fellow, now, bawling out silence, makes 
more noUe than all the rest of them. — Apples, pears, 
oranges, nuts, cakes, bill of the performances, hook of 
the songs. — Come, get up, there, sir, that's my seat. — 
1 say it's not your scat. — Yes, it is; I was sitting next 
to that there lady with the brandy-bottle ; I've only 
been out to get a drop of aniseed. — Any seat? I 
tell you there's not any seat here. — Sir, I'll be very 
much obliged to you, if you'll let my little girl stand 
up — she never was at a play before : — there, my dear, 
take care you don't tumble over into the pit. — Law! 
mamma, is it full of water? — Pretty dear! what an 
innocent remark ! — Mrs. Filla^ree's places ; five young 
ladies, and their mamma ! — Dear me, ma", if there an't 
two gentlemen got our seats ! — Well, 1 declare, that's 
va>tly ungenteel, after I came all the way myself, 
yesterday, to take places. — Permit me, ma'am, to 
• p ( 'ak to them ? — I'm sure, sir, you're vastly polite. — 
Come out of that, then, will you ! — What do you mean, 
sir ? — Come out of this, then ! — Out of this, and out of 
that ! I don't understand you ! — Och ! then, I must be 
after making a ta\ lor of my list, and taking measure 
of you for a black eve. — I'm keeping this seat for a 
gentleman, and I iha'nt give it up — First act over ! — 
There, sir, the first act's over ; you can't keep seats 
any longer ; you must give it up. — Must I ? — ^ et, vou 
mu»t. — Then, like some other people, I'll resign when 
I'm obliged to turn out. — Move that shawl ! — I shal t 
not. — Take away that TIPPST, — I II TIP it to you, if 
you do. — These are puns, 1 Mippone : — a man that 
would make a pun, would pick a pocket: what do 



ACtOR OF ALL WORK. 9 

you think ?— Why, sir, I don't know what to think, 
Cm taken exeeediugly ill, 1 should like to get out.— 
What did you pay for coming in ?— Seven shillings, 
sir,— Offer them half a guinea, 1 dare say they'll let 

you out Shut that box-door. — I can't come iu, and 

I'm sure 1 shan't go out.— Box-keeper, shut that dotir, 
iake away this man, anil brin^ me a gentleman :— m hy 
don't you do as 1 ordered you ? bring me a gentle- 
man.— sir, I've been all round the lobby, urn! L can't 
find one. — What vulgarity ! 1 remember Mr«Gtt«rick .: 
in his time, there was some oudkii in the house !— Sir. 
if vou were to ask the managers, you'd 8ud they had 
orders enough in the house now. — What's the play ? 
Jilue Devils, *ir. — Oh, we have plenty of them at home 

— Devil among the taylors.— i-ir, that's a personal re- 
jection. — Sir.how should I know you were a tay lor? — 
Sir, there's my card : com<»,n6 shuffling ; Chalk Farm! 

— Chalk faces ?— Leave off that noise, will you ? it's 
very odd that some people will talk, and disturb other 
peon!**, who came to heal- what the people say upon 
the stage.— What did you come for ?— Come for ?~ 

why, 

I cam? to see the play. 
Where, with spirits so gay, 
Wit, music, and harmony mingle 

J'lie performance done, with smiles and With laughter, 

Each countenance is strre to be lit up ; 
For if haply the tir=t piece is tragic, the after 

Is sure to change grief to a ik-up. 

And now, one by one, all our lights cease to bnrn. 

While the company they go out too ; 
Vet, like stars, we must hope, they go out to return, 

For to us, there are no stars like you. 

[Spoken.] Coach to the City.— Coach unhired — 
Four shillings to Hyde Park Corner —Three and six- 
pence to Tottenham Court Road.— Want a coach* your 
honour ?— Yes.— What number ?— One, to be sure; 
that's enough at once.— Coach to St. Mary Axb.— Are 
you hired ?— Ax about.— lake that fellow's number ; 
take his number; he is the most impertinent fellow 
under all the P—n's.— Take my number ! you may 



10 ACTOR OF ALT. WORK. 

take my name, too, if you like ; I'm Saucy Dick — used 
to drive the lung Islewoith, Remember tiie poor link- 
boy, your grace. — Out of the way, you graceless dog ! 

— Pray my, lord duke! — There's two-pence for you. — 
You a duke ? you're a rum duke, t lie!) ! — Drive to 
j)u kk's Place. — Well, Thomas, have you got a coach ? 

— No, sir : I've been all down the Strand, and up to 
Charing Cross, and can't get one. — Bless me ! 1 shall 
ratch my death of cold, only got thin shoes, and no 
bhawll — Well, well, it's your own fault; all prid<: 
ought to dress for the weather. — I'm very sorry to say, 
my. lady, your carriage is broke, the pannels drove in, 

ami your arms Oh, dear! my arms destroyed, my 

lord; think of that !: — Never mind, make use of mine, 
my lady. — Well, ma'am, bow have you been entertain- 
ed l — Very well, sir, thank you; and my little girl 
has been quite pleased ; never was at a playhouse be- 
fore ! — Did you like it, my love ? — Oh. >cs, sir, very 
much indeed : she'll have it all oft" to-morrow morning, 
t^uite perfect, every word. — And what did you see, my 
dear ? — Oh, sir, there was a gentleman sung a song so 
Lad, they made him sing it all over again. — Infantine 
simplicity ! what a pretty remark ! — And, pray, which 
did you like best ? Oh, sir, the song. — 

What, the song about the play, 
Where, with spirits so gay, 
Wit, music, and harmony mingle ? [Exit, 



( Curtain rises and discovers Vclenspeck sealed at 
a table with a letter in liis hand. The scene is 
ao constructed as to exhibit an upper roo?n, with 
a toilet-table, dressing -glass, &c &c. ; two prac- 
ticable doors lead to different stair cases. Ve» 
knspeck is seated in the lower room. J 

Vel. Here I am, in a pretty pickle ! Bills 
stuck up all over the town, and not a performer 
ready. Let me read over Penny less', the Trea- 
surer's letter, once more : (reads. J 

• Dear Sir, — I write to give you Information 



ACTOR OP ALL WORK. J J 

respecting tbc actors you bad engageti. The 
gentleman who was to do the fops, has been put 
under three month's arrest. " The child of na- 
ture" is in the straw, and the walking gentleman 
lias u alked away. Your first tragedian has been 
lapp'd on the shoulder, and your harlequin tappM 
for the dropsy. Lady Towuley is keeping a 
chandlers shop, and your country boy is superan- 
nuated. You will please send me money enough 
* to pay for an outside place on the coach. 

11 Yours, &c. 

" Peter Pennyless." 
Walk t» • (A knock at the door. 

Enter Multiple, as Mathew Stuffy. 

Pray, Sir, who are you, and what do yon 

want ? 

Stuff. I came here, Sir, to— (sneezes most 
violently.) 

VeL You came here to what, sir ? 

Stuff, I wait to get (sneezes J al elgagemelt. 

VeL A what ? 

Stuff. Al employmelt as a— (sneezes) as a 
player. 

VeL Oh I as a player; why what is your 
name, pray ? 

Stuff My lame is (sneezes) Mathew (sneezes) 
Stuffy. (I see he does uot suspect me.) (Aside) 
I klew the immortal (sneeses) Mr. Garrick, dead 
aid deceased, lolg ago. 

VeL Why, Mr. Stuffy, you seem to have a bad 
cold. 

Stuff. Yes ; (sneezes) I catch'd it before I was 

borl (sneezes) 



12 ACTOH OK ALL WORK. 

Vel. Indeed ! that was early in life to have you* 
calamities bc^in ; how did it happen ? 

Stit*F. Why, niv mother catchM cold (sneezes) 
sroilg to see the immorlai Mr. Garrick, dead aid 
« leceased, pi ay — [sneezes) 

Vet. Well, I wish you would enter upon the case 
at once, and open your business, lor I'm in a hurry. 

Sluffl (Opening hi* snuff-box.) There I have 
opeled my (sneezes) box — aid it will clear my 
head — 

Vet. Of stupidity I hope ; — I believe snuff is 
sometimes of service that way. 

Stuff'. Yes ; will you take some ? (offering his 
box,) it may do you a deal of — (sneezes) good.— 
The immortal Mr. Garrick sometimes (sneezes) 

Vcl. Damn the fellow ; tell me at once, what; 
line of characters you wish to engage for — trage- 
dy ? 

Stuff. Lo ; I could do (sneezes) tragedy, but 
whel I attempt to raise my voice, (sneezes) squeak 
so I caPt {sneezes) be heard. 

Vet. Can vou sin"- ? 

Stuff. Yes, very well, oily lor two thiJgs. 

Vet. Well pray, what are they ? 

Stuff. Walt of ear and wait of voice, (sneezes) 

Vel. Why to be sure, they are formidable ob- 
jections ; then how is it for comedy ? Harlequin 
and opera dancing is out of the question. 

Stiff. (Sneezes.) Why, comedy 1 despise, aid 
buflfoolry is beleath my lotice. (Sneezes.) 

Vel. Wliat the Devil would you engage for, 
then, if neither tragedy, comedy, nor opera suits 
you ? 

Stuff. Why, as a (sneeze*) prompter* 

Vcl. A prompter ! 



ACTOR OF ALL WORK^ 13 

Stuff. Yes, Sir, lature has fitted me for a 
promoter, (sneeses. ) 

Vci. Nature fitted you for a prompter ! how, 
pray ? 

Stuff. Why <!oi*t you see how I squiit. 

Vit. Sqriift ! ha, ha, 1 ace you squint enough, 
ill aii ambience ; but pray what has that tu iio ^ 
wit Si prompting ? 

Stuff* Ah! 1 see the art has heel lost ever 
slice li.e immortal Mr. Gat rick, dead aid deceas- 
64, is pole ; why, pray, ulless a mal squilts, how 
cai lie Keep ole eye ol the hook aid the other d 
the players ? 

Yd. Ha ! ha .' upon my word, I never thought 
©f that, ha ! ha 1 but pray Mr. Stuffy, have )ou 
any other extraordinary qualification with which 
«Lme nature has furnishM yon ? 

Stuff. Yes, 1 (meizes) have a mouth. 

) iL A mouth ! why how could a prompter 
possibly do without a mouth to speak with ? what 
ctthei organ of communication can there possibly 
he hetwecu the prompter and the player? 

Sli'jj. Wh, there is lo use for a prompter to 
(snc(Zis) bawl ami squall so (hat the audielce ca! 
hear. The immortal Mr. Garritk. dead a!d de- 
ceased, hv< r would let a prompter [sneezes) speak. 

iel. No ! why, pray, how did he manage, then P 

Stiff. Why wbel 1 was prompter (ttnetsse-s) 
ulder the immortal Mr. Garrjck, dead aid de- 
ceased, I did it all hv (snetzes^. moliol. 

Vel. I3y motion ! 

Stiff' Yes, Sir, (tntiteses) by motiols, thus - ; * Low 
is the witchilg time ol" ji^lu" [sneeSes) 

iel. Oh, aye, vi Now is the witching time of 



1 ACTOR 07 ALL WORK. 



r.ight, when church-yards yawn, and goblin's 
idamn the si«>ht." 

Stuff*, Very well, {sneezes) very well, u<lee<1 ; 

but low, (sneezes) low suppose (he actor (,sn4eseft) 
waited the word yawl, thel I would (yawns) 
[sneezes) that does better thai bawling out yawJ I 
(sneezes) 

Vel. Hal ha! ha! If yawning would rmsTrcr. 
I am afraid most audiences would frequently sup- 
ply the place of prompter. 

Stuff. You see 1 have talelts that are — (swrezrs) 

Vet. Not to be sneezed at, you mean to say. 

Stuff. Well Sir, you had beiUr slap me up. 
{sneezes) 

Vel. Snap you up', I suppose you mem ? 

Sti'ff I said so; I said slap me up. [sneezes'. 

Vel. Well, well, call in upon me to-morroe,', 
and 1 will oive you an answer. 

SUtj'. Well, (going) but (sneezes) you had bel- 
ter siap me up low, (at the deer) (yncezes) you 
had better slap mc up low, you will fever see 
my like agaii. 

I el. No. that I never shall, I'll fee bound. [&si($i 
Call to-morrow, call to-morrow. 

Steffi. You had better slap me up low ; (sivcizcs 
the immortal Mr. Garrick— [Kcit, twang. 

Vel. Well, I do not know that I ran do betfc i 
than engine this Malhew Stuffy ; he seems U» 
hjvea high veneration for the £reat Garrick. 

Enter Multiple, as French Tragedian. (WaUca 
round Ike stage, while Vehnspeck stands ?« the, 
front corner staring at him, who ah last mcvts 
no as to meet .Frenchman.) 

French. (Making a low bow.) Serviteur, mon- 
sieur. 



ACTOR ORAI/L WORK. ^° 

Vel Good day, sir ; what is your pleasure ? 

Frtnch. Sare, 1 want Monsieur le Dnecteur 
de theatre ; are you she ? 

r«l fi?w - r Oh, yes, 1 am indeed literally di- 
rector of the theatre, having nothing else but the 
walls and scenery to direct ; lor 1 have no per- 
formers. „ ' , . . ,, 

trench. N'mporte. [Here Multiple* as {lit 
Frenchman, informs the manager that he is a tra- 
gedian, and will enable him to roll iU silver and 

gold.] 

Vel. Indeed ! how, pray ? 
French. [By violent gesticulation, mimics 
various musical instruments, and advises the man- 
ager to give concerts gratis. J 

Vel. Give concerts gratis ! and how will tint 
make me roil in silver and gold ? • 

French. [Intimates that he Will give recita- 
tions, for which the audience will pay, and have 
the concert for nothing ] 

Vet 01), 1 understand ;— a good idea : so you 
mean that, under the idea of attending a concert 
gratis, an audience will be induced to pay lor 
lieario" vou recite, and then we are logo snacks : 

French* Snakfs ! I do not understand uat 
snakes:— what you mean by snakes ? 

y ( l Why that we shall divide the money. 

French. A ha! me understand ;— you mean 
so hnwris) so Lsal have two snakes and ) on one 



snakes, ha t 



Vel Exactly ; is) this country, talents are en- 
roura-ed; distinguished foreigners are certain 
of meeting with support; hire, it is the artist 
that is looked at, not his country ;— but sir, will 
you Please to give me some specimens oi your 



16 ACTOR OF ALL WORK. 

talmas ; — some example of your manner in reci- 
tal ions. 

French. (Appears with difficulty to compre- 
hend the man ajrer's meaning ; at length he prc- 
tpnds to understand, and agrees to recite a 
Speech.] 

Vel. What pl?y will you select a speech from ? 

French. Hamla. 

Vel. Hamla ! you mean Hamlet, Hamlet. 

French. No:i ; Hamla, it is. 

Vel. Why, 1 should know ; we have the play} 
it was written by my great countryman Shak- 
pcare. 

French. Non, non; he did take it from Ducis. 
Ducis did write it. 

Vet. Well, hare it your own way. 

French. I will give you one speech from Du- 
cis' Hamla. 

Vel. Hamlet. 

French. Nou ; Hamlet for you — Hamla for 
me. 

Vet. Weil, well ; go on. 

French. [Informs the manaa^v that after he 
has recited he shall abruptly leave him, and call 
again ; he then askos the manager if he has an 
urn. The manager brings on a tea-urn. j 

French. O sacra ! mon Dieu ! what is that ? 
yon make breakfast ? 

Vet. Did yon not ask me for an urn ? {throws 
a piece of crape over it.) 

French Hon. [([limitation of Talma.gives afew 
lines from Hamlet, the purport of which is ' Sombre 
and dismal urn, which contains the ashrs of my 
father ! Oh heaven \ how mv heart bleeds ! — 
Jiut it inspires me with vengeance^' &c. [Exit. 



ACTOR OF ALL WORK. 1 7 

Enter Multiple, as Scrawky, running in as 

jmrsucd, with a bundle under his arm. Thro 7 

the whole of this scene Scrawky speaks with a 

strong Northumbrian dialect, which displays 

wndcrful powers of imitation, speaking as if 

he had a burr in his throat, and very quick. 

Scratv. {Almost out of breath, with an awk" 
v&rd bow.) Are yees llie manager of the play- 
house ? 

Vel. Yes, sir, I am, and who are you ? 

bcraw. I am a young nion with a strong pro- 
»f easily, (looking round anxiously,) — I hope (hey 
won't catch me — a great ideer for tiie stage ; I 
plat the lovely Monimia — 

Vel. Ila, ha, you look very like the lovely 
Mommia, indeed ! but who are you, and what do 
jott want ? 

Seraw. I come fra Northumberland, and I 
Iceve with mv mother's brother ? 

Vet. And who is he, pray r 

£craiv. He is my uuckle. 

Vel. Indeed ! why, I should have guessed as 
much ; but what is your name, and what is his 
r.nnie ? 

Scram. My name h Robin Scrawky, and my 
itiTtrklc is Andrew M'Sillergrip, and is a vera 
::\ eel nif i 'chant, and deeis in a vareety of articles ; 
—watchefe and clothes, rings ami books, images 
and wigs-, sword? and plate dishes, and evera thing 
Tees can meentshua and think of, and he gees a 
i :t of money Ml tha folks comes and takes em 
in — and he Jeeves at the three baits — 

Vel. Oh ! what, he is a pawnbroker ? 

Scr/rai, Ees, and he tak me preutis till him to 
kei'i: his art and mecsterv, but I want, to be a 

b2 



IS ACTOR OF ALL WORK. 

play actor ; I plsyM Octavian once, to the great 
delect of tire audience, but not of my unckle, wbti 
threeten'd to persecute the manager. "Ob! 
Fiowanthe, Flowauthe P 

Vel. Well- but what (\o you want with ore ? 

Scratv. I wush yees to hide ma from ma unck- 
le ; if he comes after ma tn seek ma. Oh dear, 
Oh dew, I hope he will noWiml me. 

Vel. Well, you can go up stairs, you will find 
a back staircase also, by which you can make 
your escape if necessary. Bat how am I to 
know your uncle ? 

Scratv. If uuckle comes, yees will easily know 
him by his strong, braid, abomVneeble Scotch ac- 
cent ; he has not ta'en truble to polish hfesel 
like ma, having no tateeuts for the-stage. V Oh, 
Flowauthe, Flowauthe."* [Exit with his bun? 
die up stairs, when directly he is scot cntei ing Ike 
room above, where he changes his dress to repre- 
sent his uncle, but before he brains, he says in 
his natural voice, as Multiple, Now I'll iii?«uise 
myself and go before him in the dtararter of my 
uncle; but while I change my dress, I'd deceive 
him by spouting, (loud) Ob ! Fiow'anihe I'lo- 
wanthe, &&. (spduting from Octavicui, whik 
changing dress. Meanwhile Veicuspeck below, 
after listening some time, sits down. 

Vet. I do not hear any body coming, I may a r 
well answer PennyJess' loiter. (Scraivkie stitt 
spouting above) He seems to have forgot hi- 
fright and is rehearsing Octavian in the Men:: 
taineers. 

{Scrawky above, " Out bauble, let me kiss 
time, sweet Flowanthe !' ; 

VeL Curse the bwbv f what a Boise ke makes 

» * * 



ACTOR OF ALL WORK. ]0 

up there, I cannot write lor him, — [Scnrnft ext| 
from above. 

Enter bchiv, Multiple as M'Sillergrip, 
in a great pa.sxicn. 

Sil. I have come after a silly Leon of a fallow 
that has e?capeet fin me a preeutis, am! 1 am 
judging I've just cam to the reecht place to fin 
him ; far hees just wud to ack heer in thir show 
of yours; but I weel ha him oot of sic lik paw- 
keries— 

Yet. Sir, I am not answerable for the young 
Riaii's taste- 
s'. Taste ! Hoot awa, mou, \\V yer taste. 1 
'am a greet Merrhan and leeves just at ihe conn r 
ol" ae street, and just lets people bay siiler in 
rher nfied, by leaving some of ther warldly geer 
villi me, and am the cheiTs unckel forbye — 
IV/, Oh i i see; you area pawn-brokfr. 
Sit. And ye are a jvionagff.r, as ye ca' jerc- 
gel ; and is not a pmvu-brokerjust as good, and a 
ween bit Letter, til a RKvnageer, wha wants to keep 
a decent mon fra his lawful apreentis? I wud haav 
re to ken that] am-dfcended Era an anceent fami- 
ly , \\ ha for generations bolt — 

Yd, Stop, sir, stop ; I do not want to hear 
your pedigree, for it would take loo lenj: for a 
Scotch wasuej' woman to trace her pedigree; ha! 
la ! 

Sil. Thru, Fir, I weuhl.jnst inftll intil ye that 
i could buy and seel ye ou.i ; sic a moungeer ! 
f «./. Sir, I would have you know — 
Sil. Hool awa, hoot awa, with yer gibberish, 
er attempt to scrawn yer gibberish on me, 
•/. Gibberish; sir? 



20 ACTOR OF ALL WORK. 

Sil- Yes, gibberish ; just gibberish — so give 
me my apprcentis. 

Vel. I am not accountable for your apprentice; 
but why did you not take care that he did uot es- 
cape ? 

Sil. I was just on the point of sending him to 
Holland, for the benefeet of the saut water, for 
he"s just wud red mad. I catchet him t'other 
day booing to the images, aud caaing 'em right 

reverent Seniors, and approvut glide masters 

then he was gritting aboot his father's ghaist— 

Vel. Oh, then he was Hamlet, I suppose. 

Sil. Homlct ! I never heard of that chiel be* 
fore — but my nevew wad, na doot. 

Vel. Well, but I am afraid you have not taken 
proper meaus with him, and treated him with pa- 
ternal kindness. 

Sil. I' have done every thing for him, and treat- 
ed him with marks of affection ; — why when he 
has beet! oot on his cantrips, I have locket him 
oot of the hoos, and gard him bide in the street 
allneecht. — I have gard him sleep on the bare 
boords all neecht.— I have flogg'd him within the 
inch of his life. — I have — 

Vel. Why that was a striking way of showing 
him mark'd attention, indeed — 

Sil. Yes, yes ; well if you will not gi him up, 
Mrs. M'Sillergrip will be here. 

Vel. And what the devil do I care for Mrs. 
M'Sillergrip? 

Sil. Car for her ! She'll gar ye car for her ; 
he has been watchet into this hoos, and when 
she comes, she'll give you siccan a dirll wi' he: 
tongue she'll gar the vera hair to start fra ycr 



ACTOR OF ALL WORK. 21 

heed; she'll talk to you; she's gat slccan a 
tongue — 

Vel. That 1 suppose you had rather she had 
ran away instead of your apprentice ; but step 
tip stairs and you will find such a one as you.de- 
scribe. 

Sit. I'll find him I warrant me. [Exit. 

(In a moment voices are heard as on the stairs* 
from M'Sillcrgrip and Scran ky, alternately 
and quick.) 

Scraw. Oh ! my prophetic Bawl, my unckle. 

Sit. [healing him.) I'll teach you to spout, 
you rascal. 

Scraw. Oh Unckle. Unckle, don't wallop me^ 
don't, wallop me; Oh ! Oh ! [great confusion.) 

Vel. He has found him, I hear, and giving him 
pome more striking marks of his paternal affec- 
tion. 

Enter Multiple as Mns. M'Sitj.ergrip. 

Vel. Mercy on me, who have we here ? 

Airs: S. (In a shrill voice) Oh yon abomina- 
ble man ! I know yon. Ah! Oh! \h (squeals) 

Vel. Let me assure you madam, I — J [advanc- 
ij}sc towards her.) 

Mrs. S. [Screams.) Keep oflf, keep off; no 
man shall touch uif ; I know von, I know yon ; 
where is Mr. M'SHlergrip ? I shall faint, {Vel. 
advancing) keep olf, keep off* ; I can faint without 
your help. 

Veh The person you arc enquiring for — (ap- 
proaching her) 

Mrs. S. (Screams violently.) Ah ! Oh ! Iceep 
off, keep off; [striking him with her fan) I know 



22 ACTOR OF ALL WORK. 

you, you ought to be lash'd thro' the town. Oh ! 
Ah 1 {screaming) t 

Vel. In the room up stairs, madam, you will 
find the objects of your search. 

Mrs. S. It will be well for you if I do— keep 
off, keep off; I alwajs carry my point- 

Vel (Rubbing his face.) Yes, 1 know you 
do ; but, my dear madam, (advancing) \ 

Mrs. S. Keep off; no female is safe in your 
company ; keep oi r , keep off, I know you. 

[Exit as up stairs. 

The voices of all three are now heard, almost 
speaking together, in altercation, till they die 
rradualhj away. When immediately enter a 

Multiple as a Drunken Coachman. 

Coach. I say mis, mis, mister, where's the 
Scotch folks as* I dr, dr, drove from Dover I / 

Vel. 1 know nothing about them, pray what d(v 
vou want with 'em ? 

Coach. V;v I be the job that drove them to 
ihis here pi," pi place, do you see ; and if so be 
they arnt here, vy I can't t, t, take them back— 
but I set them down here, so I look to you for 
n ,y nay — so I'll go and get a glass and be back 

directly. 

Vel. You look like a job that is pretty near J 

done ; vou have had a £lass too much already. 

Coach. Yes,I be a Glass Coachman,and I have 

a li'ghi l0 tu ' ie as man y K iasses as * P ieaso - 

Vel. Well, the persons you seek are up stairs, 

and I will go and brims them. 

Coach. Do, I'll just sit me down till they come. 
[Exit Vel. and returns immedmiefy. 



ACTOR OP ALL 'MOMS* 1 2J 



^o 



ra. They are not there ; they must have gene 
cut of the hack floor. 

Coach. Then you must pay me. 

Vet. I pay you ! what claim have you upon 
me for payment ? I knew nothing about them ; 
they have departed very suddenly. 

Coach. Then I suppose you would like to see 
them, wou'd you not ? 

Vel, Why yes, I must confess 1 should. 

Coach, Why then you shall (throws off' his 
great coal and large hat, miperccived h\j Vel. and 
appear* as Mrs. M' SiUergrip.) 

Mrs. S. Keep oft', keep cF, {squeaking^) I 
know you. Oh ! Oh ! 

Vel. Mrs. M'SSilergtfp i ! in propria persona, 
as 1 live ! 

(Multiple then throws off the long cloak am! cap, 

Ac of Mrs*. M 7 Sil. and appears as Mr. M'bil* 

ler grift.) 

Si I Now, sir, do you menu to give up my ne- 
phew or rot, si;-, do yon ken me ? 

Vet. What ! you Mrs. M'SHteirgrip and Mr, 
M'Sitfergrip ?•— why I suppose you ate Robin 
Scrawky, and the Frenchman, and — 

Mid. Yps sir, and Mat hew Stuffy too ; (here 
throws off the disguise of Mr. M'SiUergrip and 

appears as Scratvlv.") 
f i 
Scraw. i nave a strong prepenseefy for the 

Ftase, <; Oh Flowanriie, Flowanthe," S:c. &c. 

(He they quickly change* (o French Tragedian 



French, N'mporte : Hamlet for you, llamla 
for nx.v 



24 



y 



ACTOlTOF all -wonifc. 



(Changes to Malhew Stuffy.) 

Stuff. Do you lot see how I squilt, I klevv the 
immortal Mr. Garnet, dead aid deceased, you 
had better slap me up. 

Vel. Amazement! But who t3ie Devil are you, 
in reality ? 

Mul. (changing to his proper character.) Do 
you remember this letter, sir ; (showing a Utter) 

Vd. Yes, sir. 

Mat Did you write that letter? 

Vet, I did, sir, I confess. 

Mul. And I am Mr. Multiple to whom that 
letter is addressed — Will you ensajre me nuw ? 

Vel. Yes. my fiieud, and on your own terms. 

(Shakes hands _ 

Mul. I have taken this method to have y«sw 
and tliis audience's opinion (hinting to the a: 
ence) whether I am or not 

' AX ACTOR OF ALL WORK, 

and shall always he happy to receive such 
ward as they think I merit. 

Fi 



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